Vegetables

God, I was inspired to write this Blog because of a very disturbing news headline on AOL Today. It read " A New Face for a New Term: Bush Seems More Relaxed, Fun--Have you Noticed?" What the fuck!! Relaxed...Fun...who cares? And furthermore, why should the bastard be relaxed and fun? We are in the middle of a war and have accrued a huge deficit while under his nurturing wing. I think a president should look consistently solemn and stern when the country is in a time of war and economic ruin. But countless American and civilian casualties couldn't smack the smirk of of Bushter's face, oh no! And why? Well because the excitement of being reelected is still lingering within Bush. Why is it that he only worries about the problems of 2040 and beyond instead of the crises of the moment? He is relying to the fact that America will still exist this far ahead in time. Im confused!! He is always making chatter of this social security issue. Things will work themselves out, or rather I think it isn't his time to deal with the problem. I would rather wait until we at least had a more mathematically able president in the office. Furthermore, what is all this Terri Schiavo bullshit? How is this matter in anyway relative to the country as a whole? Let the vegetable die! She has been this way for 15 years. I think it's time for her nutso parents to say bye bye and for bush to take his cocaine nose job out of matters in which it doesn't belong. The government, Bushy, and this lady's parents have no idea what it's like to be brain dead. But I think we can all concur on the fact that it's miserable, if this lady can sense what misery is. All of these protestors outside of the hospice she's in are pretty hilarious too! Yes, she can really sense your support, or read those signs you have. Haha, the best one occured the other day. A bunch of people in wheel chairs flung themselves into the road and yelled "We aren't dead!!" No, but you will be if your immobile asses stay laying in the middle of a road. This issue isn't about killing all of the handicapped people in the world. You morons obviously aren't brain-dead, maybe stupid, but not brain-dead. You can think and respond and make your stupid opinions known. This lady is a pile of unresponsive mush, it's time to let er' go. Why are we bringing religion into this too. It's not a religious matter, it's a matter of compassion and respect of the right's of her husband, who is legally her guardian. Blahhahahaha..this shit depresses me! Downward spiral my friends, downward spiral. And give me my free ipod you fucking pop ups!

Jeff Notworthy and Micheal Jacksyourson

So here I sit watching the roast of Jeff Foxworthy. How is it that I always end up watching the Blue Collar Comedy Tour or things related to it. I despise the Foxworthy. I wish the roast were more hardcore and hurtful. I wish they could make Jeff cry or that it was a literal roasting and he was stabbed with a spit through his mouth and out of his ass. Why in the hell does he even deserve a roast? The only reason he has sold so many friggin albums is because redneck families are so large. Also, rednecks just love a catch phrase. Yes, this is a valuable secret; if you can make up a short catch phrase you can be a completely successful southern comic. Get Er Done, You might be a redneck....oh hilarious! I don't know about you, but I like my comedy to be fresh. I don't know if it would work so well for a woman though, since the southern mindset is that women are for beating, screwing, and cooking. That's just a silly stereotype..and how often do those ring true. *COUGH*
Let me talk about this Micheal Jackson trial. Now that's true comedy! Now let's take this little situation and put it in a different context. What if Michael were a 40 year old middle class white male? A 40 year old man who enjoyed having trusting child cancer patients sleep overnight with him in his bed. He would be murdered. It is just disturbing me deeply that this child is being villified by Micheal Jackson's asshole lawyer. Aren't there any morals in law? One thing that this crazy bitch pointed out were the boy's slight misbehaviors whilst at the Neverland Ranch...like stealing wine, or "Jesus Juice" as Mikey called it when he gave it to them, and riding the ferris wheel while throwing things at Mikey's elephants. Ok...so they did..but they aren't on trial for underage drinking and animal abuse...Michael is on trial for whacking this little boy's child penis while showing him pornography. And people are saying that the mother of this boy pimped her son, but God fuck any poverty stricken woman who is desperate and will go to great lengths to receive money for the expensive treatments for her terminally ill son! This man swamp thing white black woman is a disgusting person. Ok he had a rough childhood, so do a lot of people. Hell I've had it pretty shitty sometimes. But, hmmm, I just never quite get the urge to go to the cancer ward of the hospital and pick out a boyfriend. Whether or not he is convicted, he needs to be placed in a psychward once this bullshit ends. Jesus. If every pedophile were given this many second chances, well, most people wouldn't let their children go trick or treating..this much I know. Nambla would rule the world. Yes we must make an example of this man. So what you made Thriller..(overrated) but that isn't a suitable defense. I'm sure it would work though. I guarantee it. If MIkey just got up on the stand and said in his effeminite voice "But I made Thriller" the jury would gasp, the judge would cry tears of sympathy, the prosecutor would give up, the little boy would run and jump into Micheal's eagerly waiting lap..oy. Ok all this talk of doing children is about to make me upchuck..so I'll just end this.

Spring Break, Daily Show, Musicology

Ooo i haven't wrote a blog in a spell, ain't it? Well I was on Spring Break, and I just couldn't seem to find the time between laying on the soft sandy beaches surrounded by a bevy of hunky Europeans and drinking and dancing with my ladies in the swankiest bars in Spain. PSYCH!! Most people, actually all, who read this know that isn't true, so the all caps psych was completely unnecessary. But anyway... the most fun thing I did was stay at the freakin' Inn at Afton with Hanny and Johna for uno night where we got sloppy wasted off of Lime Twisted Gin and Sprite..which by the way is a deadly concoction being that it tastes like pure Sprite. This unfortunately resulted in this poon puking her guts out in the hotel and on the side of I64 the next day..how cute!
Well it is obviously not discernible by you but there was a long pause between that paragraph and this one because I was watching The Daily Show. I have such a lady boner for John Stewart and Stephen Colbert I can't hide it with my textbook anymore! They need interns for the show I have discovered, or frequently look into rather, obsessively if you wish. Why do acrimonious fellas always make me melt like an arctic penguin in the San Diego Zoo? BOLLIX!!! Anyway, if I were ever the lucky bitch who got to intern on this show, I would use my every moment to seduce these two so i could be the cheese between the grilled Stephen Colbert and John Stewart. Enough of these girlish fantasies about men who could be my father.
I'm going to write about rap music and how terribly far it is from being art...YEYYYY!!! Sure I have fun with it, dance around to it drunkenly, laugh at the silly lyrics...but it shouldn't even be defined as music. There used to be something to it..it was new..the sound of the "streets" if you will..the words of the downtrodden souls of the ghetto..it simply had some sort of artistic merit. But NOW...well here are sample lyrics of the new ying yang twins song "Wait til' you see my dick, Wait til' you see my dick bitch, Wait til' you see my dick..I'm gonna beat that pussy up. Like Bia bia bia bia bia bia bia bia Beat the Pussy up Beat the Pussy up." What is that? I always say good lyrics would be the same without the "bangin Beat" so if we envision this bullshit as purely poetry..well...it simply wouldn't be considered poetry. It's just nasty jibberish! Don't get me wrong, this song makes me crack up...but I'm definitely not moved by it. That is what music is supposed to do, emotionally move you..not physically because I know we could argue that the infectious beats in rap cause your ass to spontaneously bounce, but rather shakes you to the core and makes you sad or angry or relieved. And prove me wrong if you will, but I'm sure that nobody on the planet would be moved by those porn ass lyrics! I guess maybe if a couple came together by the fella whispering these words in the lady's ear...? Eh..just trying to look at it from other perspectives. Anyway..there are things that are universally aesthetic.. and this crappy rap music and airhead pop music do not come close to even grazing that universal beauty. It couldn't even wipe the true beauty's ass!!! AND THE KICKER IS....the truely sublime are ignored by the masses! Nobody buys Elvis Costello or Rufus Wainwright or Elliott Smith Cd's.....and forget classical music. Elvis Costello actually lost money on his latest cd..how fucked up is that? And yet people are acting all crazy to get that new bootleg 50 cd cuz he has anything constructive to say. Word on the street is 50 starts beef with more fellow rappers then EVER! See these stupid shits actually need gimmikcs to sell cd's. And Britney..oh dear Britney with your new Moniker "Mona Lisa" (because nobody can figure out why you are so slightly smiling?? Sorry I don't get it!) you my dear have sunk to the lowest pits of pop music Hell. "Why Dontcha Do SUh EN?" Oh this song....this song is so terrible and laughable. And what's worse is when any lucky artist who is really good breaks out..pop culture sucks their one "doable" single dry and spits them out. Let's take Modest Mouse, for instance. They were great before they came under the glare of the masses...probably a lil better. Then some fat bigwig at MTv said "oo Float On..indie..yes indie the kids are craving a little indie..isn't indie the style? Let's do that..let's release this one single to be hip and indie." But now they aren't the "hotness" any more to these fucking mindless drones. And I like it better that way honestly..because once an artist becomes famous..they become tainted. It's fucking poisonous...they have all of this pressure to put out a great follow up album and it oft times proves to be too much pressure. Oh and if an artist who has had reasonable commercial success..oh let's say specifically Fiona Apple..tries to put out something progressive and new..their shitty record company..Let's say SONY..won't release the album because there isn't a "clear single." Did we tell Pollock that his shitty paint splatters didn't have a "clear appeal." I think not!! Since when did music become so contrived..there is no formula you BASTARDS..stop creating one! Fuck Every asshole in the business aspect of the Music ...fuck them right in the ass with stick with nails in it!

What A Ramble

Ok..Since I am supposed to be doing a shitload of homework right now, I have decided to make a blog entry. Why the hell not? Ugh I am starting to get on my own nerves with this procrastination thing. It truly is a disease (or I would like to think it is so I can blame my laziness on something with a fancy name). I really do wish i had some sort of domineering figure who would smack me into shape. Maybe I should go on Maury and go to boot camp for bad kids or something. That would be cool, but I would be feel a tad out of place since my problem lyes in school motivation rather than in being a slut at 14 and kicking my mom's face.
The other day I saw all of these beautiful moments when I was driving home. First thing, I was waiting at McD's to get a milkshake in the drive-thru, and this shitty car pulled up and a dad got out of the passenger side and went around to the backseat where his daughter was sitting in her carseat and gave her a big kiss. To make the moment more touching, I could hear her say "I love you daddy" in a cute little Michelle off of Full House way (without the cheesy music factor). Then he was off to work in McDonalds. This made me cry, no joke! I just can't stand to see somebody older than me going to work at a job where I know they are underappreciated and underpayed. God all fast food corporations are such fucking disgusting vile bastards!!! These assraping schiesty motherfuckers line their fucking pockets with the blood of animals and poor guys like this dude who can't find work anywhere else because most likely they weren't given the wonderful opportunities I was. This little moment made me feel so worthless and spoiled for ever complaining about the quality of my life. I've always been told the world was a cruel place and it's moment like these which completely solidify that fact. I suppose I am completely assuming that this guy was unhappy, but his face looked so sunken and tired as if he had been working himself to the bone to support his wife (who I'm sure busts her ass as well at some low paying blue collar job) and he gave me this piercing "Woah is me" glance which ripped my fucking heart out!!! Anyway, I'm a fucking vegetarian, why do I even support McD's anyway? Why even buy a fucking milkshake there? Never again! I'll stick to this vow too! Wow, I just realized that fuck is in every other sentence. Either I cuss way too much orrrr I'm very passionate about that which I am speaking. Yes..yess I'm passionate.
There were other touching moments, but now I realize they weren't that touching and I was just really bomb stoned when I was driving home. I mean, I was touched by a man playing with his dog in a field and this old decrepit man who was helping a lady who wrecked her car. God weed makes me think I am having all of these holy epiphanies, yesterday it made me think "My god how beautifully tortured this world is" when in reality I am just stoned and glare too deeply into every moment I witness. My high moments remind me of that part in family guy where Lois asks Peter, who's in deep philosophical thought, how come he hasn't went to work or something and he says "whyyyy" whilst in the thinking man pose. I don't know how else to describe it.
Anyway, I want to revert to bashing rich people, as I always do. Would it be crude of me to go up to women and men like the overworked McDonalds dude and say "Hello my name is Caroline Heil and I am making a list of people whom I will give a large sum of money to if I ever become wealthy. May I have your name, address, and phone number? Why, you may ask? Well sir you have touched me to the core with your acts of selflessness and I believe you deserve a reward for such honorable behavior, and if I could in anyway help you later in life, I would like to." Does that seem pompous or assuming? I think it would be cool if somebody said that to me. I just think it would be cool to be noticed by a stranger for being a good person. It would at least be a lovely compliment if it never actual amounted to the financial reward, although that would be sweet as shit! There is this other guy who worked at a Kentucky Fried Chicken that I went to in Virginia Beach about three years ago, and he too touched me. I mean come on, it's three years later and not just his kindness, but also his face is burned into my mind. I want to give that guy a nice lump sum too. If I'm ever a millionaire I'll be like a superhero to random people, and I will be a legend which they speak of. They will never know when I will strike next with my lovely moneybags. I'll be like Robin Hood, except taking from myself and giving to the poor. How peacefully I would die! With a satisfied mind, as the lovely cover Buckley did goes (or if you prefer the Johnny Cash version like Johna, his version).
Oh haha. Yesterday I was driving down the Barrack's Road and I was at a stoplight and this lady looked into my car and spotted my G Force Jesus hanging from my rearview. For those of you unaqquainted with this hilarious kitschy knick knack o' mine, it's a rosary with Jesus hanging on to the cross for dear life. Merely a joke, no disrespect intended. Anyway, my window was down and so was hers and she yelled at me "Shame on YOU" and pointed at my little friend. Well this pissed me off, so i made the rocker symbol, you know ring and middle finger down, thumb, pinky and pointer pointing up and flicked my tongue at her in a satanic manner. She looked so appalled, it was HILARIOUS! I nearly pissed myself.
Well this is getting a little long, but before I go I must make fun of Star Jones-REynolds because Charles hates her and wanted me to say something about her being fat and looking like an Alien. He also said to mention that she doesn't deserve three names. I would like to add that her breasts are like disgusting flabby pancakes, yet she always finds a way to highlight the saggy wonders. Brings the slight taste of vomit to my mouth, yes indeed. He also wanted me to mention how he hated Sean Penn and that Sean Penn still has the same hair cut that he had in "I Am Sam" in which he played a retard. And a sidenote on Sean Penn, why does he think that anybody cares what his ideals on foreign policy in the MIddle East are? I hope he gets blown up like Major King Kong in "Dr Strangelove", except that Sean is strapped to the Nuke instead of riding it like a bull. He might be dumb enough to think it's symbolic or something, we could probably dupe him into it.